For almost a decade I only ever had sex when I was heavily intoxicated. Never ever when I was sober. Why would I? I didn’t enjoy sex at all. I can count the number of times that I found sex enjoyable. Being drunk made it bearable.
I thought the problem was me, because whenever I mentioned to anyone how much I hated sex, I would be laughed at. I am known in my circles as the one who hates sex. Apparently everyone else is having the best sex ever.
Most times sex would be painful because I would quickly dry up. I googled possible medical reasons. Eventually, when I stopped frequenting drinking places I needed another plan to make sex bearable and that’s when I decided to be the queen of lube. I collected all kinds of lubricant. Many of the lubricants made me itch like hell, some made me burn and gave me bladder infections.
However there was one, from a brand called JO, that helped you skip foreplay – it made you very horny immediately after applying it. This one was a hit not only with me but my friends as well. It was particularly popular with my male friends. They liked the idea of not having to suffer through foreplay, I suppose. I became the supplier. This lube was such a saving grace that when it was discontinued I tracked down the sales director of the manufacturing company and begged and pleaded with him to sell me whatever was left. This is despite the fact that the lube made me burn. You’d think that a product being discontinued would dissuade me from putting it on my private parts, but you’d be wrong. It made sex bearable, in fact once you applied it you were overcome with an instant urge for dick. It didn’t really improve the quality of the sexual experience, but it evoked such a hunger for penetration that pleasure came from the relief. Sort of like being very hungry. If you are very hungry any food you wolf down tastes good.
Without alcohol or lubricant to help me survive sex, I eventually turned to tricks. I learnt and mastered the art of making men ejaculate within 5 minutes. Most men believe that once they’ve ejaculated sex is over anyway, so this is how I make sex last as short as possible. I sing R Kelly’s “Turn back the hands of time” in my head. The whole song is 7 minutes long (my friend and I timed it) and at certain parts of the song, you pull one of the 9 moves that will make him come fast and end the sex. The guy is always over way before R Kelly.
Every girl should have 9 solid moves or tricks that will make come in seconds.