I lost my virginity at 21. By then I was masturbating through clitoral stimulation. Losing my virginity was just way too painful for me. The guy was not gentle at all. Maybe he was also still too young to know that he had to be more gentle. As a result of that experience,  for years I dreaded and anticipated the pain of penetration. Sadly, guys were seldom sympathetic and would get impatient with me. Luckily around the age of 27, I finally found myself having sex without fearing that it is going to be painful.

I enjoy sex, but I have probably had vaginal orgasms less than 5 times in my life. I can bring myself to orgasm through clitoral stimulation. Earlier on I used to fake it, all the time. Only last year, when I read a blog about women faking orgasms did I tone down on faking it. My partner, on the other hand, was 100% certain that he brings me orgasm. It came up once and I admitted that I hardly orgasm from penetration, though I still couldn’t say that I’ve never had an orgasm with him. He was surprised by this admission, but honestly nothing has changed.

I want more foreplay because I know that can satisfy myself during the process and then we can have vaginal penetration for him since I don’t even know myself what position can give me a vaginal orgasm. I also find that men like to rush, they always jump for the vagina and hardly explore the rest of your erogenous zones. When I’m doing the riding according to my satisfaction, meaning my own rhythm, they will change the rhythm by moving my body at the pace that suits them. Then they quickly reach orgasm whilst I was still enjoying the process with the hope that I too would have an orgasm.

(Editor: Below is an update from the storyteller)

I decided to show him my vagina and show him where my clit is. We are working on him learning how to touch it. When he gets excited he forgets what I told him, but now I am more communicative, I tell him in the middle of our session; “no don’t rub like this, but rather this way”. He is more playful with my clit and tries to prolong the foreplay session although we are not there yet. I guess I’m also scared of crossing the line and becoming his lecturer. I don’t want him to feel like he has been so wrong all along. So slowly I’m trying to push him my way.

At least last night, he asked me if I had an orgasm. I didn’t but I’m glad that he is becoming more aware of my needs. I feel we are both sexually illiterate and we need to find a way to teach each other.


Published by: Kagiso Msimango

Cheerleader & Liberator of Women Writer Speaker Mother Lactivist Personal Transformation and Development Coach Author of The Goddess Bootcamp, The Goddess Mojo Bootcamp

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