I lost my virginity at 16. I had no clue about sex except for the documentaries my mother forced me to watch on STI’s.
I lived in England for the majority of my teenagehood, and had sex because it seemed like I was the only person that hadn’t. I was already black in a predominantly white town, I couldn’t afford to be even weirder. It was uncomfortable but fairly quick. I derived no pleasure whatsoever from the experience. I was silent the whole time . After the few minutes he rolled off me, then asked: “What was wrong with you?”
He proceeded to tell me that the black girls he had seen in porn movies loved white cock. He declared that I couldn’t be a virgin, I must have had black cock before and that’s why I wasn’t moaning with pleasure.
I felt broken.
I was traumatised.
I went home insulted and depressed. I decided sex was overrated and didn’t have any more sex for a while. My then best friend was a lesbian so I learnt easily how to please myself with the weird and wonderful gifts she got me. I masturbated often, to orgasm. This helped me realise that there was nothing wrong with me, and that Mr Jungle Fever was just as clueless as I was, and I’d taken the hit for his ego.
For a person who knew where her clitoris was I partook in a lot of bad sex after that. I faked it with every guy repeatedly for years. The excuse I gave myself was that I didn’t want to hurt their feelings, but really I didn’t want to be labelled as a “bad lay”. Sex was how you proved yourself worthy, how you secured a man, the reason he kept coming back. I read magazines on how to give mind blowing blowjobs, watched videos, attended seminars in pursuit of becoming a great lay. It wasn’t about me. For my pleasure I had my rabbit, which delivered earth shattering orgasms. I’d have sex when I wasn’t wet. Isn’t that what lube was for?
It wasn’t until I read up on the purpose and potential of sex that I stopped being an actress. My honest reactions, or lack thereof weren’t well received most of the time. I get that we are to blame for not being honest with men, but with phrases such as “if you don’t cum before I do you are to blame” being thrown around, honesty can be exhausting.
I’ve found that many men truly believe they don’t need knowledge or training on sex. Yet, I have only experienced orgasms, multiple in fact, with one guy. He seemed to be naturally skilled from the first time we had sex, but he was also interested in learning about me. He was curious, inquiring, and strongly believed in foreplay and oral sex . He never used any of my feedback against me. He sucks at monogamy, so the relationship didn’t stick, but I still call him for the occasional booty call.