It took a while to be able to write down what’s bothering me about the sex I have been having with men. I find that I have a lot of questions I can’t answer. I am at a point where I acknowledge that for me sex with someone is not just physical as I would like to believe.
Why do I not get vaginal orgasm when having sex with a man vs. when I pleasure myself with a dildo?
Why do I tense up?   It feels like I have performance anxiety and I put the men first.
Why do I allow someone inside me over and over again, even though they leave me dissatisfied?
My current puzzle is that I met this guy and fell for the myth that tall men are packing.It was lust at first sight. We were drunk and he’s a great kisser. I recall a friend of mine saying she tests the size by hand way before it gets to the bedroom so she does not waste her time. No! Not me. I am a good girl (sounds stupid considering I can sleep with a guy on the first night) but somehow I can never get myself to touch men there until we are naked.
So imagine my surprise when I see this little thing on a very tall handsome man. Okay it’s not tiny, but no man I kept thinking; “where is the rest of it?” No length. No girth. Way smaller than anticipated. I am guilty of comparing actual size to my dildo but no man… this felt like a joke.
He put on the condom and it looked very large on his member. Did I stop? No! Instead I closed my eyes, and went ahead with the deed;  squeezing my vagina as much as I could to accommodate him and allow him the pleasure of a few strokes and a very loud explosion.
One lousy round was what that adventure turned out to be.
Twice more I took part in this mediocre sex with this man. Both nights felt like fulfilling an expectation, a pay off for a great time I was having hanging out with him.  Holiday affair I kept thinking. Blame it on desperation. Blame it on being needy for attention and affection.
As the days went by I realised that I like him. He’s fun and the fantasy of having a boyfriend took over my mind. We are now in the uncertain phase. Now I am sitting here thinking, I definitely do not want mediocre sex. I know I will get bored with him down the line and always be conscious of his little member that won’t grow any bigger and I can’t stay in hope the sex will get better.
Maybe I must just learn to be brave enough to test the package prior, to curb disappointment. #scratchinghead

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