I DON’T THINK I LIKE SEX

I started having sex young, with the boy next door.  I cannot remember if he actually did penetrate me but what I do remember is how good it felt as he touched my body and kissed me.  I would then think that as kids it comes naturally to us to give and receive love, as to where it all goes wrong along life’s journey, I don’t know.  That was my first sexual encounter, after which I stopped until I was older, which is when everything just went haywire. I got the idea that sex was all about pleasuring him and that I was just a vehicle for him to feel this pleasure. 

I’m 36 and have never reached an orgasm with any of my male sexual partners.  You’d think that after all these years I’d be the Goddess of Female Pleasure, but no!  I actually don’t think I like sex.  Take my sexual life with my current boyfriend, he thinks he’s the King when it comes to giving me an orgasm.  What he doesn’t know is that I fake it, just so he could finish off quick. When we first engaged in sexual activity, I took my time to show him how to touch me, where to touch, what to do and how long to stay or continue doing that before penetration but he would just rush off to penetration and then take looooong before coming.  I would get dry and he’d resort to disgusting things like spitting on his penis just so he could thrust in and out forever until I fake another orgasm. In the process, my mind would start to wander, I’d start thinking of ways to get him to finish off, using dirty language, faking multiple orgasms and thanking him for a job well done.  I just wish he could spend more time outside than inside.

I sometimes feel like I’m also partly to blame for my lousy sex life.  If I knew where to touch for him to get me to orgasm faster, maybe that would make it easy.  I do not touch myself and therefore do not know the exact spot on my body that would bring about an explosive orgasm.  All I know is where it feels good to be touched but I’ve never really brought myself to orgasm.   It feels unnatural and weird for me to pleasure myself, I’ve tried it once and I couldn’t focus and so, when women talk about how dildos work for them, I find it strange.  I don’t own a dildo and I’d probably never invest in one.

So how do I know how an orgasm feels like?

I get involuntary orgasms in my sleep and I remember how when I’d get them whilst with my ex, I’d wake him up hoping he’d understand the feeling I yearn to get from him. He’d dismiss it as wet dreams. One guy’s response was that I must have been having sex with demons, only they could give me that good an orgasm that would get me to moan in my sleep.  This is the same guy who would pray in tongues as he thrust in and out of me without a care that I was satisfied.

The moments of sex I enjoy deeply are those moments where I’m kissed and touched to a point of arousal, it’s a pity that they are short-lived as soon as my breathing pattern changes.  All is not gloom and doom though, it took a man for me to discover how beautiful it feels to be kissed and have my nipples sucked.  That man had always been my hero when it comes to that.  Years later after our first encounter I took another shot at him as I recalled his goodness but alas he had changed his loving ways.

I’ve had lots of sex in my lifetime but the quantity is by no means a reflection of the quality of sex I’ve had.  I’m underfucked and yearn for a man who’ll take to the moon and back.

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Published by: Kagiso Msimango

Cheerleader & Liberator of Women Writer Speaker Mother Lactivist Personal Transformation and Development Coach Author of The Goddess Bootcamp, The Goddess Mojo Bootcamp

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